Where I Want to Be

When I was pregnant, one of the things I hated the most was unsolicited advice on things I needed to do before the baby comes.

As in – “Sleep now, because you’ll never sleep again!

Or – “Enjoy the quiet now, because it’ll never be quiet again!”

And even – “Have sex now, because you’ll never have sex again!”

The ominous warnings were given so often and freely that if I were a less stubborn person, I might have begun stocking up on sleep, quiet, and sex like a doomsday-prepper hoards packets of soup and ammo. Naively, I did think that once the baby came there would be necessary adjustments to daily life, but that I would be able to do everything I was able to do, enjoyed doing and wanted to do.  After all, I was having a baby not losing my legs. Almost a year with my darling baby girl has changed that outlook… but not in the way one might think. Yes, I could get more sleep some nights…  Yes, adopting co-sleeping habits makes having a wild sex life a little more difficult.  But this is exactly where I want to be. No one tells you that the things you thought you’d want to do change.  No one tells you how your world shifts; how you can enjoy a nice evening out but after a couple of hours you just want to be holding your little person in your arms. No one tells you that you’d opt for sharing a Valentine’s Day date with another (little) lady -or that you couldn’t imagine it any other way. No one tells you that you’ll think about who you used to be and that maybe you worry that you’re not entirely sure who this person looking back at you in the mirror is.   No one tells you how terrifying that is. My identity as a mother is consistently evolving and changing as I learn how this part of me joins the other parts – the funny part, the part that like to dance, that like cheap red wine, the advocate part, the part that swears like a sailor, the passionate part… And this? This is exactly where I want to be.

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